In this season of Lent, this is a topic I struggle with. I wont drudge up my history with details, those who know me well know the big bad things that happened in my life, and the good too. I had a period of 12 years out in the wilds of the world, confused and disenchanted, my whole outlook on real love put to the test - not just loving others but loving myself. Not just with romantic relationships, but fake friends who crossed my path during this time too. Thankfully, I'm in a place of real love and surround myself with wonderful friends and family, it took 39 years of weaning to get to this point though ;) But, I often say if I had to do it again, go through all the pain, the heartache, I'd do it in less than a minute, my mind would be made up in a second, absolutely, positively, yes, bring it all back on.
The start of my life lessons in forgiveness: I never did forgive the one bully I never got a chance to confront in my junior high days. I try to remember how I overcame the cruelty...which wasnt just reserved for me by the way, they had a habit of picking on the "different" people in school. . I can't remember, I think I just avoided them, and by the time highschool rolled around, a new crop of kids to mingle with, many different, and with my academic success and theater, I think they lost their steam, with me anyways, or I just realized they were not worth the time to care about it. Their words like venom, they liked to initimidate. I had other bullies, both who I put in their place and both who backed off...but not with violence, I simply stood up to them, and that was the end of it. Thank God for them for bringing out my assertive side, and an early lesson never to take any bullshit from anyone. For the two who backed off...I forgave because they did apologize, probably more so because they were scared I was going to beat on them, but hey, an apology is an apology ;) I was generally picked on for not being stick thin, my messy hair, I didnt have a knack for putting myself together like other girls concerned about their looks, but if you look at my pictures from those bygone days, I was a bigger girl than my classmates, I had a woman's figure when the other girls were perfectly symetrical and thin. I think of the bullies of today...they seem so unapologetic, and then the victims who lash out with violence, how do the victims learn to forgive these spoiled, mean tormenters, let alone justifying their retaliation with violence rather than rise above it? Still, I cant say I dont envy the victims who torment back, I would have loved to been able to embarrass that bully or humiliate them...but what would I have gained? A false sense of justice? At what cost to my own virtue? Not that I see them regularly now, but last time I did, their face said it all, no sense of apology or realization how mean they were....looking at me with hate, for what? I'm sure they would twist it as a "get over it, that was decades ago, we were kids" but it meant something to me, it definitely wounded me in that time....do I think about it much now? No, but when I'm challenged to forgive at this time of lent, that one person has never made my list...nor would, since they hasnt even asked to be forgiven.
Moving beyond my early youth, and speaking of "getting over it"....how many times have you heard that expression? Something that hurt you in your life from the past, and though you may be in a much better place, it still knaws at you, there was no closure, but you are told to "get over it", move past it...because look at yourself now, look how wonderful things are for you "NOW". Hey, the "THEN" in my life helped shape who I am, and is a part of me....a good thing in some ways, made me stronger, made me be able to recognize real love, and real friends, and in many ways, I can attest personally, that it is possible to move on, absolutely, but you never truly "get over it"...especially if the incident was never resolved, or the party inflciting the hurt never asked to be forgiven in the first place.
I look at the first part of my adult life, from 18 - 26 yrs old, as an old movie, I see it in front of me, I've learned to remove myself from the film, it was like another life many more years ago. I'm numb to the actions, but it haunts me from time to time. Then from 26-31, I feel more intune with that part of my life and my experiences, that was the "new Elaine" time....I came out from my shell, started experiencing a new way of life, some ways good, some ways bad. Many people crossed my path from 18-31 who are still my friends today, but a few significant ones, who are not my friends now, they werent true friends, they didnt have my best interest at heart, they would smile to my face and gossip cruelly about me when I was beyond earshot....not one ever asked for forgiveness. How do I forgive them - do they even want to be forgiven? Sure, I can move past those times, and their cruel actions. If I hadn't truly moved on, I couldn't possibly be in the place I am now in my life as I approach my 40th year, I would have never found my way to a better place if I continued to drown in my past sorrow. I hadn't thought much about it until now, that the people I surround myself with, their isnt one of them I would tell you I don't trust. I found balance, and success, true friendships, and real unequivocable love ---to the point I can't believe some of the antics from people that I used to put up with! I found peace...but I havent been able to really forgive, its true. I'd sure like to though, does that count?
I would love to hear from you - how do you feel about "Forgiveness"? Is there one person you just can't seem to want to forgive? And would you forgive them if they asked?
No comments:
Post a Comment